Are You Making This Biblical Parenting Mistake?

Are you making this biblical parenting mistake?

Jon and I have tried to Biblically parent our spark plugs from the day our oldest was born.  We've shared the Gospel with them.  We've taken them to church consistently.  We've worked hard to train them diligently.  We've interacted with each of them on a daily basis.  And we've prayed over them.

From the above list, you might start thinking that we've gotten this Biblical parenting all figured out.  That we're doing a great job with our kids.  That we're super-parents in the Biblical-parenting world.  But we're not - not at all.

But a few years ago, the Lord opened my eyes to the fact that I was making a HUGE Biblical parenting mistake.

I thought I had to prove to the world that Biblical parenting works.  And I mistakenly believed that I had to prove it by forcing my kids to behave.  All the time.  In every situation.  At home and outside.

Friends, this is not Biblical parenting.

Sadly, I know of several parents who are not parenting Biblically because they're either too lenient with their children or aren't investing the needed quality time in their kids.  But I also have a feeling that I'm not the only parent who's gone too far in the opposite direction under the misguided notion that we somehow have to prove that God's parenting methods as taught in His Word really work.

In trying to get my spark plugs to behave all the time, my parenting was lacking grace.  And in not giving grace to my little ones, I also wasn't giving them a correct view of the Gospel.

The good news of the Gospel is full of God's grace.  If there were no grace, there would be no Gospel, no redemption, so salvation from sin.  If the ultimate goal of Biblical parenting is to reach our children's hearts for Christ, then we must be sure we're not letting our parenting get in the way of the Gospel.

So, what do you do if you realize that you're making a parenting mistake in your attempt to train up your kids Biblically?  When the Lord opened my eyes to my lack of grace, He also gave me the tools I needed to begin changing my habits (prayer, His Word, and the Holy Spirit's help).  He's given you the exact same tools as well.

Two of my favorite written resources at the moment are Proverbs and Count to Nine by Ruthie Gray.  They both have been helpful in my journey toward becoming a more gracious mom.

Parenting with grace doesn't mean that I give up on disciplining them when they disobey.  But it does mean that I'm trying to be more understanding of things like illness and fatigue that might cause a child to act out.  I'm constantly reminding myself that my kids aren't going to behave every moment of every day because we're all still batting our sin natures, myself included.  And I'm working on speaking more kindly instead of being sharp-tongued.  I still fail at this often, but I am improving.

Adding more grace to my parenting hasn't been all smooth sailing, but I have made strides toward parenting with grace.  I'm trying to relax and enjoy my children, understanding that they're going to make mistakes as they learn and grow.

It's probably pretty natural to swing between being too lenient and being too strict with our kids.  Each of us will need to keep praying about our parenting efforts, asking the Lord to guide us and correct our own mistakes on either side of that parenting pendulum.

Raising children in a Biblical manner is hard, hard work.  But the end result is completely worth it - not because it guarantees saved kids, but because when we reach Heaven, the Lord will have found us faithful with the little ones He lent us during our lifetime. 

Are you making this biblical parenting mistake?

When Your Mama Heart Hurts

Three weeks ago at his endocrine appointment, I had to sit and watch as two nurses spent an agonizing 7 minutes trying to insert a blood-draw needle into Turbo's vein.  It was awful.  They took turns twisting, pinching, poking, and prodding, and all I could do was wait until they finally were able to obtain the needed blood samples.

It wasn't that they were bad at their jobs; sometimes, pediatric veins just don't cooperate right away.  I understand that.  Even so, it was almost unbearable for me to watch.  I can't even imagine what it would have been like to be him.

Watching your child go through a hallway of his own brings pain unparalleled by anything else (well, watching your spouse hurt is pretty gut-wrenching, too).  You want nothing more than to ease his pain, to take his pain yourself, to do anything to help.  And often, there's nothing that we as mothers can physically do.

What to do when your mama heart hurts

Even when we can't intervene physically when our children are going through a hardship, there's a lot spiritually that we can do.

Pray for and with your child

We can always pray, no matter what the situation.  When your child is sick or hurting, pray for him.  Pray with him.  And ask other believers to join you in prayer.

When Turbo was first diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes, we desperately needed prayer.  I'm not the biggest fan of social media, but I do know it can be used for good.  Even though I dislike making big announcements on Facebook without telling close family and friends something in person first, I knew I just needed people to start praying.  So, I left a status update, briefly explaining his diagnosis, and asked for prayer.

Within seconds, people started flooding my page with support, Scripture references, and notes letting me know that they were praying.  I felt a weight lifted.

Encourage your child with Scripture

Once Turbo was home from the hospital, I shared with him Psalm 39:14 - "I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; marvelous are Your works, and that my soul knows very well."

I wanted Turbo to know that God makes no mistakes.  He still made Turbo just as He wanted even though Turbo's pancreas no longer functions the way God originally designed it to.

Scripture is an excellent source of encouragement for believers.  Even if your child is young, reading God's Word to him can be incredibly uplifting.  Our little ones need to find hope in God, too.  Scripture isn't just for adults.

Use the opportunity to share the Gospel

Can you use your child's hardship as an opportunity to either share the Gospel with him or remind him of the glories of Heaven?  Not all trials will naturally lend themselves to this kind of discussion, but many of them will.  Why not take the opportunity?

One of my little ones hasn't handled my grandpa's death very well.  Honestly, I still struggle with missing him, too.  It's opened up room for conversations about salvation, Heaven, and what the Bible teaches us about life after death.  Losing a loved one is always difficult, but it can bring about good things, too, if we look for them.

Remember that God gives grace to your child, just as He gives grace to you

One of the awful side effects of diabetes is frequent nausea.  I have an extreme phobia of all upset-stomach-related issues, so when I see my kiddo suffering from what is absolutely deplorable to me, it's really, really hard for me to watch him suffer through it.

Scripture isn't for adults only, and thankfully, neither is God's grace.  Just as God gives me grace to endure through difficulties, He gives the same needed grace to my little ones.  Turbo handles almost all of his medical issues like a champ.  That's the Lord's grace at work, and God can do the same for your child, too.

Be thankful that mercies are new every morning

I'm beyond grateful that the Lord gives us new mercy each and every morning (Lamentations 3:22-23).  When we've had a bad day due to illness or hardship, it's such an encouragement to think that God is giving us new mercy.  I've had to cling to that promise over and over again, and He has always come through with just what I've needed for the day.

We can remind our children that His mercy is new every morning, too.  Together, we can have hope that the Lord will give us renewed hope, encouragement, and energyto face whatever the coming day will bring.  We are never without the Lord's care and protection.

Watching one our children hurt is one of the hardest things we have to face as parents.  When your mama heart hurts for your son or daughter, you may not be able to offer physical comfort.  But you can pray for your child, encourage him with Scripture, share the Gospel, cling to God's grace, and thank the Lord for His daily mercies.

Your turn:  What do you do when your mama heart hurts?

Note:  this post is the first in a series called "When Your Mama Heart Hurts."  You can find the other posts in the series here:

• 3 Ways to Pray When Your Mama Heart Hurts
• 6 Things to Do When Your Mama Heart Hurts
• Verses to Memorize When Your Mama Heart Hurts

When your mama heart hurts

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What Phil Robertson Taught Me About Biblical Parenting

I'm on the fence about the (in)famous hit TV show Duck Dynasty.  I love that there's a family show where every episode ends with prayer.  Even though it's touted as a Christian show, though, a lot of the content is not family friendly, in my opinion.  But despite my hesitancy to endorse it, I was surprised to find a few hidden Biblical parenting gems in this odd television series.

3 Things About Biblical Parenting that Phil Robertson Taught Me

1.  You don't have to be limited by your past failures

Many people know about Phil's rough past:  how he nearly abandoned his wife and kids in favor of drinking and homelessness.  His parenting skills were deplorable, at best.  And yet, when the Lord mercifully saved him, Phil turned his life around completely with the Holy Spirit's help and is now loved and respected by both his kids and grandkids.

This should be great news for any of us who have been less-than-stellar parents in the past.  I personally have been too critical and too apt to yell at my kids.  I haven't encouraged or praised my little ones nearly enough.  But praise the Lord, I'm seeing growth in myself as I turn over my frustration to Him and lean on the Spirit's leading.

2.  Pray in front of your kids

During one episode of Duck Dynasty, Phil goes on an outing with one of his grandsons and his grandson's girlfriend.  I don't remember much about the episode except for one part where Phil prays for his grandson's purity...right in front of his grandson.  Actually, I would have completely missed that parenting moment had Jon not mentioned, "wow, I bet that's powerful to hear your parent or grandparent praying like that right in front of you."

Maybe this isn't a new concept for you, but for me, it was huge.  Not only was Phil faithful to pray for his grandchildren, but he prayed right in front of them.  His grandson wouldn't have any misunderstandings of what was expected of his conduct, and I have a feeling that Phil's prayer would be ringing in his ear if he were ever tempted to try something that wasn't in keeping with God's view of marriage.

So, Jon and I have been making it a habit not only to pray for our kids, but to pray in front of them, too.  We'd always prayed with them - teaching them how to pray themselves - but when our kids hear us praying for them to be sensitive to the Lord's leading, to obey, and to be gracious, we hope it even further encourages our children to follow the Lord.

3.  You never know who is watching

As I mentioned, I'm not sold on the Duck Dynasty show, and I've not seen every episode.  But I happened to catch this particular one.  Phil Robertson doesn't even know I exist, and yet the Lord used him to teach me several valuable parenting lessons.  The point is, Phil wasn't aware of how far-reaching his parenting (or, in this case, grand-parenting) would be.  He was simply doing what he felt God leading him to do.

In all likelihood, we won't know the far-reaching effects of our own parenting, either.  But if we're faithful to do what the Lord has called us to do, He can use our meager attempts at obedience to reach the world for Christ.

I learned three valuable parenting lessons from Phil Robertson, of all people: not to be limited by past failures; to pray in front of our children; and to realize that we don't know who is watching.

Phil wasn't the most stellar example of a Godly husband and father, at least not in his early years.  But God used him, broken and all.  That means that the Lord can use you and me, too, no matter how many times we mess up in our parenting attempts.  He is God, and He can fix our brokenness and use it for good in our own lives, in our children's lives, and in the lives of those around us.

What Phil Robertson taught me about Biblical parenting

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How To Implement Biblical Parenting

How to implement Biblical parenting

"Be consistent.  Follow through.  Be diligent.  Don't give up." Most of us have probably been told one (or all!) of the above in relation to parenting.  We know we're supposed to be consistent and thorough.  But how do we go about doing it, exactly?

Even if you know what Biblical parenting is, it may not be as easy to figure out how to implement it.  It wasn't for me, anyway.  I knew that the Bible commands parents to train up their children in the admonition of the Lord, but I wasn't sure how to do that.

It took a lot of prayer, reading God's Word, talking with Jon and other mature Christian parents, and consuming Biblical parenting books before I started to truly understand how to implement Biblical parenting.  Now that I have a clearer picture of what God' Word teaches about parenting, I want to share several keys for implementing and following through with Biblical parenting.

3 keys to help you implement Biblical parenting:

• Require immediate obedience
• Require complete obedience
• Require a good attitude

"Obey right away, all the way, with a happy heart" is a popular saying among Christian parents today.  It sums up pretty well the things we hope to teach our children, and all three points come right from God's Word.

Require immediate obedience

The Lord requires immediate obedience.  We see this over and over in the Old Testament when God led His chosen people Israel to the Promised Land.  If God is that serious about immediate obedience, we as parents should be serious about it, too.  After all, our goal in Biblical parenting is to help train our children to be sensitive to the Lord's leading, so this is a perfect place to start doing just that.

Require complete obedience

Not only does God require immediate obedience, but He also expects complete obedience.  King Saul lost the kingship when he didn't fully obey God's command to put all of the Amalakites to death!  Partial obedience is disobedience, so we need to train little ones how to obey fully.

Require a good attitude

The Lord longs for us to have good attitudes.  "Rejoice always...in everything give thanks, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you" (1 Thes. 5:16, 18).  Keeping a good attitude is not easy, but we are commanded to do it.  So, again, we need to train our kids to have good attitudes even when they have to do things they may not like.  Most children aren't born with a love for picking up, but we can teach them to have a good attitude even when they'd rather be doing something else.

While having well-behaved children might be a perk of Biblical parenting, it should never be the sole objective.  Does that sound weird to you?  If so, let me explain.  The greatest objective of Biblical parenting is to teach children to be sensitive to God's Word.  And the way we do that is by requiring immediate and complete obedience, coupled with a good attitude.

Teaching our kids to obey right away, all the way, and with a happy heart is a great goal, but we still haven't really addressed how to do this.  Again, there are three keys for teaching them.

3 keys to help you follow through with Biblical parenting:

• Use a motivating consequence
• Reward obedience
• Set a Godly example

Use a motivating consequence

Using a motivating consequence isn't a popular choice in today's parenting strategies.  But God's Word - specifically, Proverbs - is very clear that Biblical parenting involves consequences for actions, specifically negative correction for disobedience.  A few things I've learned over the years:  the consequence should be quick and fitting.

The goal for negative reinforcement should be immediate repentance.  Because sin and disobedience break fellowship with the Lord (this is true for adults as well as children), it also breaks fellowship with other believers.  So, when a child disobeys, he injures his relationship with God and with his parents.  Because repentance can restore those relationships, we want our kids to repent as quickly as possible.

Note:  remember that the child's disobedience, not the parents' subsequent punishment, is what breaks fellowship.  If we choose not to properly punish our children's sin, we as parents are disobeying God's direct commandment and are in sin ourselves.

Reward obedience

Rewarding obedience is the other half of using motivating consequences.  The Lord rewarded those who obeyed Him: Abraham was given the Covenant; Joshua was allowed to enter the Promised Land; and David was given the kingdom - all for their faithfulness.  When our children are obedient, we need to reward them.  Sometimes the rewards can be big, but many times just a simple hug or word of affirmation does the most good.

Set a Godly example

Above all else, the greatest thing we can do for our children is to set a Godly example for them to follow.  We need to live in such a way that our kids see us obeying the Lord right away, all the way, and with a joyful spirit.  And when we sin by not doing one of those things, our littles need to see us repenting before God.

Even though Jon and I have learned a lot about Biblical parenting and now have many years of parenting under our belts, that doesn't mean we always lead our kids in a Christ-honoring way.  We're both still very human and still very prone to our own sin natures.  My point for writing this post is NOT to say that we've got everything down perfectly or that you need to do exactly what we do in your parenting efforts.  My hope is to share with you the Biblical guidelines that we follow to offer encouragement and clarity as you raise your own little ones.

There is so much that goes into Biblical parenting, but the Bible really does give us clear-cut advice on how to raise our children in a way that pleases Him.  We are to require immediate, complete obedience and a good attitude.  We can motive our children with negative consequences, positive reward, and Godly examples to follow.

And we can do all of this with Micah 6:8 in mind: "He has shown you, O man, what is good, and what does the Lord require of you, but to do justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God?"  If we keep this verse at the forefront of our minds as we parent out little ones, we can be confident that we are raising our kids the way the Lord wants us to.

How to implement Biblical parenting

Day 1: I'm Thankful to be Your Mommy

Dear Little Princess,

I’m so thankful to be your mommy.  When we found out that you were going to be born, Daddy had just lost his job and our only car died.  We’d also just bought our house with a higher mortgage than the rent on our previous apartment.  It was not a fun time, but the excitement about you helped encourage us and gave us something to look forward to.  As a mommy of two wonderful little boys, I was eager to become a mommy to my little girl, too!

Oftentimes you’ll hear people complain about the high cost of raising children, the trouble kids cause, and the frustrations of parenthood.  While those things may be true at times, I want you to know that children are cause for celebration, are a source of great joy, and are gifts from the Lord.  You were our gift during a very hard time.

Your big brothers were so excited to have a baby “stister,” as Wing Man called you.  They helped me set up the crib, sort through a mountain of clothes that people gave us, and eagerly awaited your arrival.  It was so fun to see them so excited about your coming!

You were a very sweet baby and hardly ever cried.  You loved being held, you loved sitting in your bouncer, and you loved being entertained by your big brothers.  You were so content!  This was a huge blessing since Daddy was working nights and needed to sleep during the daytime.

When you were about two months old, I tried to get you to smile.  I encouraged you all week, but you only gave me half a smile here and there.  When Daddy noticed that I was trying to get you to grin, he walked over and tickled your feet.  Immediately, you broke out into a big, beaming smile!  He’s never let me forget that you smiled at him first.  I think he’s pretty proud of that!  “Mommy tried to get you to smile at her first, but Daddy got your first smile!” he’d say over and over.  This is just one example of the joy that you have brought to our family.

So, even if the Lord blesses you with a husband and children some day, know that there will be hard times.  Your brand new baby might vomit blood at four days old.  Your toddler might lose part of his finger in a door.  Your grade schooler might end up in intensive care with diabetes, or your husband might suffer from a chronic condition.

But the Lord also promises to be with you and to give you the strength to endure.  For me, He gave me you to help remind me that He is still good even when hard circumstances hit.  I am so thankful that He lent you to us, and I’m beyond thankful for the privilege of being your mommy.

All my love,

Mommy

31 Letters to My Little Princess

Dear Little Princess,

Starting tomorrow, I want to write a letter to you every day about some of the most important things in life.  There is so much more that I want to teach you than can possibly be jotted down in 31 letters, but I hope to include some of the greatest truths here for you to read and reread in the years ahead.  Some of the topics I want to cover are salvation, modesty, God's grace, and life's hardships.  I'll post each day's link onto this landing page so that you can easily access them any time you want to.

More than anything else, I want you to know that as much as I love you, God loves you even more.  He created you for His glory, and everything we do in life should be for His further glory.  Let's learn to honor Him together.

All my love,

Mommy

Day 1 - I'm Thankful to be Your Mommy

Day 2 - I'm An Imperfect Mommy

Day 3 - Jesus Is Our Perfect Example

Day 4 - You Are Created in God's Image

Day 5 - Protect Your Modesty

Day 6 - Learn to be A Good Friend

Day 7 - Do Hard Things

Day 8 - Don't Forget To Rest

Day 9 - Learn to be A Good Sister

Day 10 - Focus On Inner Beauty

Day 11 - Don't Neglect Your Appearance

Day 12 - Learn to be A Good Steward

Day 13 - Learn to be Discerning

Day 14 - When Daddy Met Mommy (Part 1)

Day 15 - When Daddy Met Mommy (Part 2)

Day 16 - On Choosing A Husband

Day 17 - Children Are A Blessing

Day 18 - Learn to be Flexible

Day 19 - You Can Love Pink When Mommy Loves Purple

Day 20 - Tomorrow Isn't Promised

Day 21 - Learn to Suffer Well

Day 22 - Why God Allows Suffering

Day 23 - Learn to Cook

Day 24 - Learn to Forgive Others

Day 25 - Learn to Forgive Yourself

Day 26 - Develop A Love of Reading

Day 27 - Find A Mentor

Day 28 - Find A Church Home

Day 29 - Learn to be Adventurous

Day 30 - Learn to be Gracious

Day 31 - Conclusion

Finding Balance When There Isn't Any

Finding balance when there isn't any

I like to be organized. I like to be balanced. I like to be prepared. I like to be punctual. And for those of you who know me well, you're probably laughing right now, since you know that I'm NOT organized, balanced, prepared, or punctual.

The summer before we began homeschooling, I started stressing over how I was going to be a good wife, mom, housekeeper, and teacher. Much as I wished to be a good homemaker, I wasn't a competent housekeeper even before I took on the task of teaching the spark plugs. So how was I going to add their education to my already-full plate without dropping the ball in some other area?

And then something a friend asked really resonated with me: how do you find balance when there isn't any?

When there isn't one?

I had never before thought about the possibility that I was looking for a balance that simply didn't exist. I had assumed that, miraculously, I needed to find the missing key in order to do it all. But I think my friend was right. There simply isn't a key, or a balance, to be found. It's not there, or at least it doesn't exist as we see it in our minds.

After this mental breakthrough, I stopped stressing (as much). Each day, we try to get the bulk of our school work done, with a few household chores sprinkled throughout our day. And when the housework builds up to the point that it's inhibiting either our functionality or our health, we simply reverse our priorities. We try to get the bulk of our housework done while we listen to audio lessons (books on tape or podcasts, anyone?).

Finding balance when there isn't any

Am I neglecting the kids' education by doing so?  Not at all.  Not only are we still accomplishing lots of learning on our cleaning days, but I also realized early on that homeschooling has very little to do with workbooks and a great deal to do with life. Teaching children about home management is just as necessary as learning to count.  Keeping our home tidy is a good witness to others, since it enables us to have people over at the drop of a hat.  It's doing what's Biblical (see Titus 2).  And it encourages better learning on other days, since we're not constantly hunting for lost school books and misplaced pencils.

Plus, we can also incorporate learning into scrubbing bathroom sinks. We can sing through our educational songs while working. We can count the toys as we toss them into the toy box. We can stop to read a book before sliding it back on the shelf.

And, if the house is clean, I'm a happier person, which translates into a better teacher the following day.  The spark plugs gladly put up with a day of chores rather than deal with a constantly-grumpy mom.  And the kids are also recognizing the benefits of a clean house.  "Mom, I actually like it when my room is clean.  I have room to play with my Legos now!"  Turbo told me triumphantly.

This system of changing focus as needed isn't a perfect solution, but it's what's working for us at the moment. As our needs change, so will our strategies. These days, I find that I'm learning at least as much as the kids are. To me, that's really exciting!

Life truly isn't balanced, and it was quite silly of me for trying to make it so. This is yet another area where I'm learning to roll with life's hiccups. Perhaps someday I'll actually discover my sea legs instead of falling apart every time a wave of life hits!

Your turn:  How about you?  How do you manage homeschooling and homemaking?  What methods do you find most effective?  I'd love to know!

Finding balance when there isn't any